


drawn to the flame

by jjaebri



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Relationships, but !!! they're working on it !!!, i say that every time-, i was goin thru it, this is an angst trip guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-03 00:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19452352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjaebri/pseuds/jjaebri
Summary: Younghyun has singlehandedly ruined their relationship more times than he can count. For the first time, Jae is the one to walk away and Younghyun needs to figure out how to bring him back.or"frustrated bri thinking of ways to bring jae back to him."





	drawn to the flame

**Author's Note:**

> *mushu voice* i LIIIIIVEEEEE 
> 
> HAHA i ditched my title theme because FUCK PATTERNS i will not be constrained by the bindings that i have imposed on myself owo.
> 
> inspired by [this FABULOUS tweet](https://twitter.com/jaedollable/status/1090774795573055488). (i love jealousy) i told naw that i would write this in MARCH and here we are four thousand years later. i hope you still like it though :<
> 
> lil disclaimer: their relationship in this is honestly pretty unhealthy. i know i've romanced and glorified it like hell, but please be wary of these types of relationships in your own lives. most of the time, it isn't worth it.
> 
> title: [nocturnal creatures by bastille](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb3io9zH3wU). this album is angsty and existential in all the right ways.

He’s beautiful on stage. The harsh lights bouncing off of the sheen of sweat coating the boy's skin. His voice is low as he sings through the first lines of Sing Me. Eyes closed, the passion pours out of his voice and Younghyun can’t _take it_.

Like a reflex, his body moves away from his spot and towards Jae. He catches himself just in time remembering that they’re still in front of thousands of people watching and recording every single movement. So he tries to play it off, walks aimlessly instead pulling his hand through his sweat slicked hair.

His eyes still make their way to Jaehyung, watches the boy finish his line and jump down from the stage to go see the fans. Normally, the action would make him smile because of how endearing Jaehyung is, but today it only serves to make his mood worse. Jae is completely fine. Fine while Younghyun is trying to pull his hair out because he hasn’t felt Jae’s skin in too long, hasn’t heard him laugh at a bad joke in too long or seen him first thing in the morning, soft and unguarded in _too long_.

Younghyun feels the longing wrap around his throat and start to choke, but Jae is fine. Jae is fine and he’s smiling and laughing like nothing is wrong. 

And Younghyun can't even be mad at him for being okay, he wasn't the one that fucked up. No, of course not, because Jae is nothing short of perfect and it's no different when it comes to their relationship.

So he tries to keep his eyes off of the boy for the rest of the evening, tries not to remind himself of what he had.

But then it gets harder. Jae was never just a lover, he was Younghyun’s 4AM remedy. The person who stayed up with him watching stupid American reality shows, laughing over the hot steam of ramen. The boy whose bed he could slip into and curl up against when it all got too much. Jae whose body would coil around Younghyun, slicked skin reflecting under the dim 2AM lighting. Jae who tasted like the strawberry candies he was always chewing on mixed with the slight mint from Younghyun’s cigarettes.

Younghyun wants to sneak into Jae’s bed and press apologetic kisses into Jae’s shoulders. Wants the boy to turn around and wrap his long arms around Younghyun and pull him into his chest. Younghyun wants the feel of Jae’s skin, misses Jae’s fingers sneaking under his shirt.

He lays at night, eyes open, arms too cold from the lack of another body. He’s thinking through every way he could apologize, to prove to Jae just how much Younghyun needs him.

_Roses?_ No, he’s allergic. _Sweets?_ Jae likes savory foods better. _A song?_ This one gets him. Younghyun thinks back to all the gut-wrenching lyrics he’s written about Jae. The ones that garnered sympathy and filled his notifications with tweets of “Damn who broke Young K's heart?”

He thinks of the lines about obsessions, breathtaking beauty, irreparable damage. Sheets upon sheets filled with inky scribbles at 4am when he’s fucked up once again and is too much of a coward to say what he needs to, so he puts them in a song instead and pretends that solves things instead. He thinks about what the people would say if the knew. The source of Younghyun’s heartbreak wasn’t a pretty girl with shiny hair or his first love but instead the bandmate that he had spent months fighting, resenting.

In his loneliest nights, it’s not lipstick or the smell of flowery perfume he thinks of, but bright, over-bleached hair and long fingers calloused from playing the strings. Thinks of the smell of soju and fried chicken, the taste of the flavored alcohol on Jae’s lips. The lines that he wrote from the days of bliss, about freedom, shy confessions and dousing his grey world in bright color.

So no, he can’t write a song. He has already written far too many, in the best of times and the worst. He can’t write a song because that’s what he does to avoid the words he should say to Jaehyung himself. Even when he’s poured his heart out, there is no sincerity to them when they’re being played to crowds instead of being spoken under covers. They aren’t words for thousands of people, they are not the people that need to hear it. No, there is only one person that should, _needs to_ , hear him and it is without instruments and melodies to make it prettier than it really is.

He climbs out of the window of their room, sits on the ledge that juts out as the smoke he blows out slowly curls. The stars look back at him, he misses seeing them in Jaehyung’s eyes.

It seems to Younghyun that every time he thinks he’s getting closer, he looks up to see that Jae is even farther than before. Slowly, he is starting to become unreachable. Won’t spend time with Younghyun, doesn’t come to him for help when translating the lyrics he’s written in english, refuses to allow for them to be alone in a room together where both are conscious.

Younghyun is pissed, more at himself that anything. He has done this time and time again so really it’s a miracle that Jae has stuck around as long as he has. Younghyun is pissed because it really did take losing Jae for the realization that there is no life in him without Jae to dawn upon his fragile ego. He’s pissed because it’s so typical, he pushes and chips away until the glass castle of their relationship finally crumbles. Because that’s what he does isn’t it? He destroys to make himself feel alive.

Only, he’s never regretted it like this. Never felt like chipping away at their castle would also chip away at his own sanity. He feels like a deadman walking, like a madman forced to be sane.

He writes down what he wants to say. Then scribbles it out, tears it to pieces, watches the flames lick away at the pages and thinks to himself that he really may be going mad.

What he doesn’t realize is that Jae is not doing much better. Strawberry is too sweet now without Younghyun’s mint to cut through. Jae is tired of the constant push and pull, tired of having to walk away with the heavy hearted realization that Younghyun won’t follow. But it all comes boiling down to this: they need each other, and only so much time can pass before something happens that reminds them of that. Sooner or later, the reality that the other is the one person that can handle them, the one person that knows every twitch of a muscle and shift in movement, would catch up to them. 

Something does happen. Namely, Jae’s stress builds without Younghyun there to force him to deal with it and soon, he snaps like a taught cord. 

It's irrational, Wonpil had just forgotten to do something he asked him to. He snaps anyway because despite logic, when the clock reaches 0, the bomb will blow. 

He's yelling at the top of his lungs, throws his box of picks towards the wall where they crash into a loud sound which alerts Younghyun of the hurricane in the living room.

By the time he gets there, he’s met with the sight of a disheveled Jae on his knees. Pieces of what was once a vase lay now in shards around him, guitar picks scattered on the floor and Jae in the middle of it all. All of the other members scurried off as soon as they saw Younghyun come out. He was the only one who truly knew how to handle Jae in this state and they knew that.

Younghyun approaches with caution, knows that Jae is in a volatile state. Slowly, Younghyun begins to pick up the ceramic pieces to throw them away. He finds all the guitar picks and places them all back in the box. Then, Younghyun seats himself directly in front of Jae and waits. He waits because he knows Jae needs to reach out first and if he doesn't wait for Jae to do so, he'll only be pushing Jae beyond what he can handle.

Eventually, Jae lifts his head to meet Younghyun’s eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but the redness around his eyes, glazed from tears, tells Younghyun everything he needs to know. He takes it as his cue to gently pull on one of Jae’s arms until he collapses onto Younghyun. 

For a long time, Younghyun just holds him and lets Jae cry it out, head buried into Younghyun’s neck. It’s gotten late enough to the point where even the sound of their breathing sounds too loud in the quiet of the night. The rest of the members are in bed, though neither of them really think about anyone else.

Jae pulls away, voice low and still rough asks, “what are you doing, Younghyun? Didn’t we agree to stop this?”

Younghyun sighs, he knows he wasn’t supposed to be the one to comfort Jae anymore. The same way Jae isn’t supposed to be who Younghyun thinks about in the early light of dawn when he can’t sleep. The same way his lock screen isn’t supposed to still be a picture of Jae. He can’t find it in himself to hold back, to not give into the temptation that is Park Jaehyung.

Younghyun tightens his arms around him, “I can’t, I didn’t know it’d be so hard,” he murmurs into Jae’s hair. Jae, face still buried in Younghyun’s neck, stiffens. Younghyun doesn’t have enough time to question it before Jae pulls away and spits out a “make up your fucking mind, Younghyun,” and walks away leaving Younghyun with a cold lap and a muddled brain.

Now he’s back to square one. In love with the boy that hates him, still trying to understand what will make it go back to the way it was. He’s stuck in the past, an infinite loop of them playing in his head again, and again, and again.

It takes Younghyun an embarrassingly long amount of time to figure out what to do. It’s on one of the many times he’s lying awake in bed during ungodly hours watching videos of Jae and him messing around.

It’s a stupid one of them taking the MBTI personality type quiz, but it reminds him of the one way he was always able to get to Jae no matter what tumultious state their relationship was in.

He leaves a note on Jae’s bedside table, it reads: _“stuck on lyrics for a song, stay behind after practice with me?”_

He just hopes he hasn’t lost this too.

Practice is fine. Little awkward because it’s inevitable for the rest of them to realize that Jae and Younghyn are not on the best of terms. But it’s _fine_ , they get through it.

Eventually it’s after practice and Younghyun has a guitar on his lap, plucking at the strings while he worries about whether Jae will show. The door clicks open attracting Younghyun’s attention, and in walks Jae, hoodie zipped halfway up his face. Younghyun can’t help but crack a smile at that.

“I didn’t know you were writing.” Jae’s voice is so so smooth, Younghyun feels drunk.

“I’m always writing.”

One corner of Jae’s mouth lifts at Younghyun’s response, it’s unintentional, but Younghyun notices anyway.

“I lied though, I don’t need help with lyrics,” Younghyun places the guitar to the side and stands up to face Jae, “I just needed to see you.”

Jae sighs, looks away like he’s trying to stop himself from saying something, says it anyway. “Look, Younghyun. I was way out of line the other night, I know you were just trying to hel-”

Younghyun puts his hands on Jae’s shoulders cutting him off, “come with me.”

The immediate skepticism on Jae’s face is expected and Younghyun, being the lovesick fool that he is, finds it ridiculously endearing.

He drags him all the way to the roof. Darkness is starting to creep in as the sun slowly sets leaving the sky in a kaleidoscope of colors. Jae’s face immediately softens at the sight of the view. He looks like a vision standing tall and gorgeous against the vast sky. 

“Losing you is the scariest thing in the world.” Jae turns at the sound of Younghyun’s voice. Younghyun is looking at him like the world ends and begins at the spot where he stands. There’s sadness in his voice, melancholy in his eyes. Jae wants to reach out, to brush his thumb over the smooth skin of Younghyn’s cheek and tell him it’s okay, that he’s here.

But Jae knows that he deserves this. After all this time, after all the fights where Jae forgave the boy with no hesitation, he knows that he deserves an explanation for all the wounds he’s had to bear.

“When I think about how easy it would be for us to fall head first but regret it later, I can’t handle it. It’s wrong of me, selfish I know. But if it breaks us, breaks the band, I can’t help but question if we’re strong enough.”

Jae knows Younghyun is trying to mask the fear in this voice, but Jae knows him too well, can see how visibly nervous he is. It’s in the slight, barely there, tremor of his voice. It’s in Younghyun’s sad gaze to the ground instead of meeting Jae’s eyes. Jae steps forward. Younghyun looks back up.

“But I don’t know how to stay away from you, hyung. Every time I try, it feels like self inflicted torture. I feel hacking my limbs off would hurt less than trying to cut you out. God that was gruesome but what I’m trying to tell you is that I’ve tried it, I’ve tried the safe route.”

Jae takes another step closer, and then another.

“And I don’t want it. If I’m risking everything to be with you, so be it. I’m tired of running away from you, of hurting myself but worse, hurting _you_. So yeah, here I am, selfishly hoping that there’s some part of you that still wants me.”

Jae has taken enough steps that his shoes are almost touching Younghyuns. “Every part,” Jae manages to breathe out, “every part of me still wants you.”

Jae’s lips are soft when they press against Younghyun’s. He tastes like strawberries and _god_ , nothing has ever felt more like home.

  
  


The concrete is cold against their backs but they make up for it by pressing closer and closer against each other until they can’t tell where one begins and the other ends. The glow at the end of the cigarette being passed between them is the only light against the thousands of specks in the sky.

“That one’s Virgo, hyung.” Younghyun points to a cluster of stars that Jae, despite his lack of knowledge in astrophysics, is absolutely certain that Younghyun is making shit up.

“No it isn’t, and the only reason why I know that is because I know you know nothing about space.”

Younghyun drops his voice to dramatically recite, “you know nothing Jae Park.” Which of course sends Jae into an immediate fit of giggles that Younghyun quickly joins.

“Why in the world am I dating you?” Jae’s tone makes it very clear that he’s joking. That, however, doesn’t stop Younghyun from uncharacteristically flushing at the mention of a relationship.

In a voice that Younghyun would be embarrassed about if he was around anyone other than Jae, he asks, “hyung, what are we?”

Jae seems to have expected the question because he turns his head so he’s looking at Younghyun and gives him the softest of smiles, nose and cheeks red from the chilly wind.

“I don’t know, Hyunnie,” he looks back up to the sky, “soulmates, I guess.”

**Author's Note:**

> can i write an au without ending it by mentioning soulmates..?..?? ....no...... big love to the fantastic noodle boy troye sivan for making the song strawberries and cigarettes which i mention s o many times in this.
> 
> (the most edgy younghyun i've everr written is also the only one who calls jae "hyung". we love a good contradiction OWO)
> 
> apparently jaehyungparkian is the only thing i can write??? like ?? @me other people exist ??? rip to the jenlisa au i started 14 years ago and never finished. f for respect.
> 
> ,,um please give me love. i, like a cat, require copious amounts of attention to survive, thank u.
> 
> [tumblr](http://jaelicious.tumblr.com/) [twitter](https://twitter.com/jjaebri) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/jjaebri)


End file.
